Oop, there it is!

April 29, 2009

Hey there… I’ve been making some not-so-good decisions lately. Kind of. Yeah, I have. But  I don’t wanna talk about them. Maybe later.

And I want to say ‘hey’ to Lauren! ^_^ Cause I love her and she gave me my first comment ever. So woohoo to that… um… this Monday, April 27th, I got to register for my fall classes at UNK! So I’m really happy about that, and the whole prospect of the moving out of the house thing… I still have all summer to live at home though… =( That’s about it… I have more to talk about but I don’t have the time. Sooo… maybe later? Lots of love. Alex


And I Hear in My Mind…

April 24, 2009

I have had so much music going through my head this morning. And it’s only 11:42 am. I’m trying to remember everything that’s been in my head. Here’s a least from most recent to earliest.

Regina Spektor // Fidelity
Rocky Horror Picture Show // Touch Me
Rihanna // Umbrella
Avenue Q // Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist
T.A.T.U. //  Not Gonna Get Us
B-52s // Love Shack 
REM // Furry Happy Monsters 

I think that’s pretty much it. Anyway… today has been so weird. I never thought I’d catch senioritis but I swear, today I have it worse than anyone else I know. I came in to the library to start on an overdue assignment, but decided not to. I have, like, 1 minute anyway; I wouldn’t have finished it. So… I don’t know what I’m going to do this weekend. Apparently there a lots of alcoholic parties going on but I don’t really know if I want to go. The bell rang. So I’m leaving. I’m going to clean my room. Later.

April 7, 2009

Nauseous. Screaming. Melting.
I want to throw up.
I want to die.

Why? Please tell me why. Please look me in the face one last and tell me why. You have no idea … well, no, wait. You should have an idea of how much I love you. You really, really should. I love you … so … so much. You have no idea. But you should have every idea. Oh God. Save me. Please. Please save me God. Please save me God. My face is raining. Oh, don’t you remember?

Do you have any idea how much I love you? How much I loved you and do love you.

You loved me, too, I know. Or at least you did an incredible job  of pretending … I pretty sure you love me though. I’ll never forget February 7th. It was the best day of my life. And it always will be. Unless, of course, something better happens to me. (hehehe)

Valentine’s Day.

Spring break.

Look me in the face. Tell me why. Why wasn’t I good enough?

For two months you loved me and I loved you. We loved each other. And it was beautiful. At least I thought so.

Then you slowly began to show me less affection. You treated me like a friend rather than a significant other. It’s ok, I thought. It’s ok. He still loves me. It’s ok.

The more it went on, the more I thought, it’s not ok. It’s not ok. It’s not ok. I was scared.

I finally told him how I felt. I was so afraid.

I was so afraid.

Now I am dead.

I gave you so much. My heart, my love, my time. Hehe, and my money. (smile) Valentine’s Day, two one-liter bottles of Dr. Pepper. A book on beginner’s Russian. Dill pickles. And a dozen condoms.

Every weekday from January ’til April? A veggie burger. Or curly fries. Or grilled cheese.

“Tell me what you want, baby, tell me what you need. Anything you want, baby, give it to me, give it to me…” –The Little Things, Colbie Caillat

Good night. When shall I die? Tonight? Tomorrow? I don’t know.

If you’re reading this, you can save me. Please do.

April Fools? That would be me.

April 1, 2009

Hey all. It’s April 1st and though no one’s played a trick on me today … ok, actually my brother did. And it was a pretty good one for a 9-year-old too. He told me school was canceled. Considering there was an ice storm yesterday, it was rather believable. However, the weather turned out to be in the 60s today. There’s Nebraska for ya.

Anyway, I’ve been quite the fool myself lately, being tricked by myself, my thoughts, my insecurities, and my parents … (kind of). For a while, about the past week, I had convinced myself that Tyler didn’t like me. He never says good-bye to me. He occasionally says hey. I just wish he would connect more. I felt hated, betrayed. Needless to say, I was also being paranoid. I’ve known Tyler for three months at least, and have a reasonable idea of what his personality is like, though I can’t for the life of me figure out how his mind works. Ok, I sort of can. Anyway, I shouldn’t be surprised by his behavior. But I was hurt. And I think my being hurt is valid. It was ok. But over lunch today, he made it clear that we were still friends. That’s the thing though. He treats me like an aquaintence who’s slowing becoming a friend. Not a boyfriend who he’s spent two inimate and caring months with, and now, for the past month seems to have written off. I miss February. Especially February 7th. That was the day of the Kearney High debate tournament. Since it was our own tournament, we hosted the event but weren’t allowed to compete. Tyler isn’t in debate, but I knew it was gonna be a fun day of hanging out with friends and goofing off when we weren’t helping out, so I asked him to come over, please. He did, he spent the whole day doting on me, making me give him piggy back rides everywhere, which was exhausting, but I really didn’t mind at all, because he was giving me attention. We and some other debaters hung out in the auditorium while we were waiting for people to finish their rounds and for awards to start. I’m not one for kissing in front of other people, but Tyler, at the moment, seemed to be. He was lying on top of the soundboard cabinet, I was standing. Then he climbed up to the catwalk, where all the stage lights are, and told me to come up with him. We kissed and he said now he could finally say he’d made out on the catwalk. The rest of the day progressed like a dream. I didn’t want to say good-bye.

I miss him. I miss that.
His love.

(small smile) Don’t get me wrong. It’s great to be treated like a good friend. But I wish … it was more. He really is … an incredible person. I have heartache. On a different topic, I really need to write my research paper on The Old Man and the Sea. 20 pages. But, more exciting, in my opinion, that the research paper, our lovely English teacher assigned a sonnet that had to be on the topic of love, whose rough draft was due Monday. I wrote mine about feeling neglected. The actual copy is on the school computer. I’ll write what I can here, and update it when possible.

Ode to Missing Love

My love is quite the conundrum. In terms
Of my emotions Mrs. Hunnicutt
Might say that I am like a woman. But
allow me to explain. My heart, it yearns,
as she would say, “to know,” and I affirm
This. How my heart recoils when he beshuts
his loving gestures. Want I only but
To simply feel his tenderness return.

Four weeks of love are followed by four weeks
Of torpid distance. And, alas! To me,
My cat is more affectionate than he!
You are so young, my love, o how I seek
To simply please you. Now I realize pleased
You are, so do reciprocate, I plead!

There is actually quite a bit more I want to say but I do not have the opportunity now to say it. I wish to talk more about my sonnet, about my Old Man paper, about going to youth group tonight, and about the insightful and comforting conversation I had with my friend Mr. Potter yesterday. (No, not Harry.) I will say, however, that that version of the sonnet you see there is edited. While typing it, I realized the version I turned in probably was not in perfect sonnet format so I took a few minutes just now to revise my sonnet so that it is in perfect sonnet format. So, lucky you. (smile) I’ll see you all later, and finish my writing too. Lots of love, Alex