October Twenty-Ninth Two-Thousand-Ten

October 29, 2010

Good morning everyone. I didn’t sleep last night. But don’t tell anyone.

On the negative side, I missed Sociology today once again so that I could write an English paper instead, and a crappy English paper at that. I need to accept the fact that I absolutely cannot get any type of academic work done surrounded by my staffmates and to avoid spending time around them when I need to being finishing work. But oh well.

So. The guy in the Finance Office is really cute. And I looked like shit today because, as I said, and I wasn’t kidding, I did not sleep. But he still was super smiley and nice to me today when I paid my parking ticket. He very well might’ve just been nice and smiley as a course of good customer service, but of course I’d like to think it’s something more. He’s probably married, or has a long term boyfriend or something. … Oh well. I’d like to take him out to coffee… or something. Anything.

Anyway. I’m going to continue my sleep deprived day for two-and-a-half more hours. Then I’m going to take a three to four hour nap and wake up for duty. =D! Oh boy… do I love mess myself up. This is about as crazy as doing hardcore drugs, without the legal implications. I can’t say there aren’t health implications though, or that this doesn’t affect my functionality, especially in regards to attending Sociology class. But… I had a fit of insomnia, and gave into it. =) I also knew that if I did go to sleep last night, I would have never written my English paper before class. Okay. Time to head off. I will lamely update this ridiculous rodent hole sometime in the relatively near futuer. Lots of love. Alex


May 11, 2009

 

I’ve concluded that I have found the purpose of Western-type, Abrahamic religion. All virtues are rooted in appreciation and gratitude which result in love and respect – one loves and respects the things one is grateful for and appreciative of. Sometimes in our lives, the wonders of the world are enough to feed and nourish our gratitude. Oftentimes, in fact they are, the world if full of so many delightful things that cater to different appetites. The joy of having friends and laughing, the joy of taking care of each other, of mingling with children. The joy of beauty, designing, creating, and appreciating it. On and on they go. The joy of knowledge. The joy of skill, of sport, of competition. The appreciation of an all-powerful god that is supposed to have gifted mankind with of all these enjoyable things can add to one’s supply of appreciable things, hence more motivation to live and work. The two can work together, intensifying one’s desire, zest, and zeal for life. Sometimes the joys of life are so excitable and satisfying by themselves that the need for a generous god is lessened. This can happen especially when one exercises humility and compassion, love. Other times people feel depressed and dark, as if nothing in life is appreciable, that life is without worth. It is during these times that these people often turn to religion to give them something to appreciate. When the mind is incapable of appreciating life itself, it may be easier to appreciate this ethereal vessel, this invisible provider of lovable things. Showing gratefulness to these gods gives life a more basic and fundamental purpose which allows people in despair to crawl out of their metaphorical pits and reachieve zest for life.

What keeps me then from school? Perhaps my history with school, what teachers and students think of me – people’s perception of me. Perhaps, my low self-esteem, which is a result of who-knows-what, and ultimately my own thoughts and frame of mind. Perhaps my lack of confidants, people who I’ve known all my life, people who I can say anything to and laugh about it. Ultimately, what can I not appreciate about school? What is it at school that lessens desire and appreciation within me? The things above are probable causes. 

A few years ago I had a revelation similar to this one when I was in the bouts of depression. I coined a phrase or mantra that I repeated in my head that helped me through my troubled times – two of them actually. One was “positive perception.” I have the freedom at anytime to perceive things however I want to perceive them. I can perceive the world and any aspects positively, negatively, or neutrally. Most important at the time was what I thought about myself and what I thought that other people thought about me. What I thought about the mistakes I made. Positive perception allowed me to be much more grateful for the things I had in life – exponentially so. I truly felt so much better. I have so much to be grateful for now. Despite my below-par academic performance this year, I’m still going to be allowed to graduate high school. So long as my new GPA doesn’t affect my scholarships, I have an almost free ride to a competent university. I have the opportunity for virtually limitless knowledge, new outlets to make friends, to express myself, to meet people at an international level. I recently turned 18. And so on. Chances are you can find similar things to appreciate in your own life. Also, I can perceive the people around me positively or negatively. Sometimes, I assume that people are not my friends or don’t like me when the truth is they do. Maybe someone even loves me and I’m not paying attention to it, or I’m so centered on hating myself that I can’t perceive or even believe that somebody else really loves me. When I think about it, there really are a lot of people here who are probably my friends, but I have been perceiving the entire situation negatively – extremely, extremely negatively. Even as I type this, I have a hard time believe certain people I’ve met are willing to be my friend. It’s very hard for me actually. I have so ingrained in myself this negative image of me. This is all very difficult. But I need to remember and continue to tell myself that it is rue. People like me. Maybe they even love me. But people like me, they really like me. (Isn’t there an old movie where the main character says something like… “I’m so-and-so, I this-and-that, and besides, people like me”? I can’t remember what it’s called or exactly what he says.) Most important I need to like me. I need to perceive my life positively. And in the event that I came, I can turn to one of these gods. I can’t believe I just wrote all that. You know, it’s really stupid how some people use their gods as an excuse for hatefulness and prejudice, for exclusion and separation. The true meaning of religion is that we are all interconnected and all depend on each other in one way or another and we need to instill love and acceptance into ourselves so that we can coexist. But anyway. Time is running out. I only have about 4 more minutes to type. Quickly, the second mantra I used to use was “Don’t make assumptions.” This served as mechanism to rid my life of negative perceptions for the most part. I pray to God that I can make some positive assumptions today, and in my life. I hope this text can help someone else. It’s helped me a little. Thanks, and ttyl.


Move On, Man!

May 4, 2009

Yeah… that’s what I need to do. ^^^^ Right up there. *exhale* So anyway. That’s it for now.


Oop, there it is!

April 29, 2009

Hey there… I’ve been making some not-so-good decisions lately. Kind of. Yeah, I have. But  I don’t wanna talk about them. Maybe later.

And I want to say ‘hey’ to Lauren! ^_^ Cause I love her and she gave me my first comment ever. So woohoo to that… um… this Monday, April 27th, I got to register for my fall classes at UNK! So I’m really happy about that, and the whole prospect of the moving out of the house thing… I still have all summer to live at home though… =( That’s about it… I have more to talk about but I don’t have the time. Sooo… maybe later? Lots of love. Alex


And I Hear in My Mind…

April 24, 2009

I have had so much music going through my head this morning. And it’s only 11:42 am. I’m trying to remember everything that’s been in my head. Here’s a least from most recent to earliest.

Regina Spektor // Fidelity
Rocky Horror Picture Show // Touch Me
Rihanna // Umbrella
Avenue Q // Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist
T.A.T.U. //  Not Gonna Get Us
B-52s // Love Shack 
REM // Furry Happy Monsters 

I think that’s pretty much it. Anyway… today has been so weird. I never thought I’d catch senioritis but I swear, today I have it worse than anyone else I know. I came in to the library to start on an overdue assignment, but decided not to. I have, like, 1 minute anyway; I wouldn’t have finished it. So… I don’t know what I’m going to do this weekend. Apparently there a lots of alcoholic parties going on but I don’t really know if I want to go. The bell rang. So I’m leaving. I’m going to clean my room. Later.


April 7, 2009

Nauseous. Screaming. Melting.
I want to throw up.
I want to die.

Why? Please tell me why. Please look me in the face one last and tell me why. You have no idea … well, no, wait. You should have an idea of how much I love you. You really, really should. I love you … so … so much. You have no idea. But you should have every idea. Oh God. Save me. Please. Please save me God. Please save me God. My face is raining. Oh, don’t you remember?

Do you have any idea how much I love you? How much I loved you and do love you.

You loved me, too, I know. Or at least you did an incredible job  of pretending … I pretty sure you love me though. I’ll never forget February 7th. It was the best day of my life. And it always will be. Unless, of course, something better happens to me. (hehehe)

Valentine’s Day.

Spring break.

Look me in the face. Tell me why. Why wasn’t I good enough?

For two months you loved me and I loved you. We loved each other. And it was beautiful. At least I thought so.

Then you slowly began to show me less affection. You treated me like a friend rather than a significant other. It’s ok, I thought. It’s ok. He still loves me. It’s ok.

The more it went on, the more I thought, it’s not ok. It’s not ok. It’s not ok. I was scared.

I finally told him how I felt. I was so afraid.

I was so afraid.

Now I am dead.

I gave you so much. My heart, my love, my time. Hehe, and my money. (smile) Valentine’s Day, two one-liter bottles of Dr. Pepper. A book on beginner’s Russian. Dill pickles. And a dozen condoms.

Every weekday from January ’til April? A veggie burger. Or curly fries. Or grilled cheese.

“Tell me what you want, baby, tell me what you need. Anything you want, baby, give it to me, give it to me…” –The Little Things, Colbie Caillat

Good night. When shall I die? Tonight? Tomorrow? I don’t know.

If you’re reading this, you can save me. Please do.