April 7, 2009

Nauseous. Screaming. Melting.
I want to throw up.
I want to die.

Why? Please tell me why. Please look me in the face one last and tell me why. You have no idea … well, no, wait. You should have an idea of how much I love you. You really, really should. I love you … so … so much. You have no idea. But you should have every idea. Oh God. Save me. Please. Please save me God. Please save me God. My face is raining. Oh, don’t you remember?

Do you have any idea how much I love you? How much I loved you and do love you.

You loved me, too, I know. Or at least you did an incredible job  of pretending … I pretty sure you love me though. I’ll never forget February 7th. It was the best day of my life. And it always will be. Unless, of course, something better happens to me. (hehehe)

Valentine’s Day.

Spring break.

Look me in the face. Tell me why. Why wasn’t I good enough?

For two months you loved me and I loved you. We loved each other. And it was beautiful. At least I thought so.

Then you slowly began to show me less affection. You treated me like a friend rather than a significant other. It’s ok, I thought. It’s ok. He still loves me. It’s ok.

The more it went on, the more I thought, it’s not ok. It’s not ok. It’s not ok. I was scared.

I finally told him how I felt. I was so afraid.

I was so afraid.

Now I am dead.

I gave you so much. My heart, my love, my time. Hehe, and my money. (smile) Valentine’s Day, two one-liter bottles of Dr. Pepper. A book on beginner’s Russian. Dill pickles. And a dozen condoms.

Every weekday from January ’til April? A veggie burger. Or curly fries. Or grilled cheese.

“Tell me what you want, baby, tell me what you need. Anything you want, baby, give it to me, give it to me…” –The Little Things, Colbie Caillat

Good night. When shall I die? Tonight? Tomorrow? I don’t know.

If you’re reading this, you can save me. Please do.


April Fools? That would be me.

April 1, 2009

Hey all. It’s April 1st and though no one’s played a trick on me today … ok, actually my brother did. And it was a pretty good one for a 9-year-old too. He told me school was canceled. Considering there was an ice storm yesterday, it was rather believable. However, the weather turned out to be in the 60s today. There’s Nebraska for ya.

Anyway, I’ve been quite the fool myself lately, being tricked by myself, my thoughts, my insecurities, and my parents … (kind of). For a while, about the past week, I had convinced myself that Tyler didn’t like me. He never says good-bye to me. He occasionally says hey. I just wish he would connect more. I felt hated, betrayed. Needless to say, I was also being paranoid. I’ve known Tyler for three months at least, and have a reasonable idea of what his personality is like, though I can’t for the life of me figure out how his mind works. Ok, I sort of can. Anyway, I shouldn’t be surprised by his behavior. But I was hurt. And I think my being hurt is valid. It was ok. But over lunch today, he made it clear that we were still friends. That’s the thing though. He treats me like an aquaintence who’s slowing becoming a friend. Not a boyfriend who he’s spent two inimate and caring months with, and now, for the past month seems to have written off. I miss February. Especially February 7th. That was the day of the Kearney High debate tournament. Since it was our own tournament, we hosted the event but weren’t allowed to compete. Tyler isn’t in debate, but I knew it was gonna be a fun day of hanging out with friends and goofing off when we weren’t helping out, so I asked him to come over, please. He did, he spent the whole day doting on me, making me give him piggy back rides everywhere, which was exhausting, but I really didn’t mind at all, because he was giving me attention. We and some other debaters hung out in the auditorium while we were waiting for people to finish their rounds and for awards to start. I’m not one for kissing in front of other people, but Tyler, at the moment, seemed to be. He was lying on top of the soundboard cabinet, I was standing. Then he climbed up to the catwalk, where all the stage lights are, and told me to come up with him. We kissed and he said now he could finally say he’d made out on the catwalk. The rest of the day progressed like a dream. I didn’t want to say good-bye.

I miss him. I miss that.
His love.

(small smile) Don’t get me wrong. It’s great to be treated like a good friend. But I wish … it was more. He really is … an incredible person. I have heartache. On a different topic, I really need to write my research paper on The Old Man and the Sea. 20 pages. But, more exciting, in my opinion, that the research paper, our lovely English teacher assigned a sonnet that had to be on the topic of love, whose rough draft was due Monday. I wrote mine about feeling neglected. The actual copy is on the school computer. I’ll write what I can here, and update it when possible.

Ode to Missing Love

My love is quite the conundrum. In terms
Of my emotions Mrs. Hunnicutt
Might say that I am like a woman. But
allow me to explain. My heart, it yearns,
as she would say, “to know,” and I affirm
This. How my heart recoils when he beshuts
his loving gestures. Want I only but
To simply feel his tenderness return.

Four weeks of love are followed by four weeks
Of torpid distance. And, alas! To me,
My cat is more affectionate than he!
You are so young, my love, o how I seek
To simply please you. Now I realize pleased
You are, so do reciprocate, I plead!

There is actually quite a bit more I want to say but I do not have the opportunity now to say it. I wish to talk more about my sonnet, about my Old Man paper, about going to youth group tonight, and about the insightful and comforting conversation I had with my friend Mr. Potter yesterday. (No, not Harry.) I will say, however, that that version of the sonnet you see there is edited. While typing it, I realized the version I turned in probably was not in perfect sonnet format so I took a few minutes just now to revise my sonnet so that it is in perfect sonnet format. So, lucky you. (smile) I’ll see you all later, and finish my writing too. Lots of love, Alex

The Ides of March

March 20, 2009

Hello. So, the ides of March is the 15th. That was 5 days ago. So, it’s not really the ides of March. But anyway.

So what’s going on in my life? I enjoy work at Sun Mart for the most part. They’ve finally started giving me more than 9 hours per week. I got 23 last week (!!!) and 18 this week. I don’t think I’m getting 23 again; that was because of spring break. So anyway, my friend and co-cashier, Natalie, told me she was sick of Sun Mart yesterday, and I agreed with her.  It’s fun to work at Sun Mart, but in terms of organization and functioning properly, the whole cash register system sucks. Yesterday, we had to explain to  every person who wanted to use a debit card that they needed to run it as credit today, because the debit line wasn’t working. Because the debit cards weren’t working, EBT food stamps weren’t working either and I had to send away a man who had no other way to pay for his groceries. I apologized and told him he shouldn’t have to pay by another method, he should be able to use his stamps, but I still felt awful. He said it was OK and he’d go to Wal Mart or something, but he was obviously and rightfully frustrated. This is the type of thing Natalie doesn’t like and neither do I. Also, every single day, each cashier rings up at least 3 or 4 items that aren’t in the computer, which then proceeds to make an obnoxious beeping noise that sounds as if the world is going to end and which usually disturbs the customer. We then have to page someone to go look up the price on the shelf which may or may not prolong the time it takes for the customer to get their order out the door. Basically, it’s embarrassing. For that reason and also because of the low hours, I applied at Perkin’s. They said they’d call me back, they haven’t, and I’m semi-afraid it’s too late now. Anyway, enough complaining about having a relatively decent life, right? Aka, bitching.

So, I totally hope this greenhouse hires me. I called, dropped off my name and number, had a really, really good conversation with the owner, and am hopeful/excited. Of course, the garden season hasn’t started quite yet, but it sure starts a heck of a lot sooner here in Nebraska then it does up in Wisconsin.

There is this amazing application on Facebook called Pet Society, which is a scaled down version of Animal Crossing. Check it out.

So, school and homework. I started a new class this last term – Political Science. It’s required to graduate. … which reminds me, you need 20 hours of community service to pass the class and I’ve been planning to volunteer at Goodwill for months so I should probably stop by there sometime and get that set up. So the class is kind of cool. The teacher started the class by taking controversial issues, having the two major opinions on different sides of the room (“No middling!”) and explaining why each side feels the way it does. The only two issues we’ve done so far are abortion and legalizing pot. And, while I was trying in futile to work on my debate case last night, I ended up typing a splendid pro-choice argument. … which I think I will spruce up and post sometime, unless I forget or decide not to, which more likely than not may happen. But who knows?

It is so fxcking windy in Nebraska!

Also, our AP English class has a 20 page research paper due sometime … it would be really good if I remembered when. Mine is on The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway, which may be the most banal book ever written. Ok, so it’s alright – the plot is neat. But his writing style is so, fxcking, dry! He uses like, the most minimal descriptions and strings out the happenings of the book so long. And the book is only 93 fxcking pages! With pictures! And speaking of the work “fxcking,” everyone needs to listen to Lewis Black’s “Red, White and Screwed.” It’s a stand-up monologue, I watched it sometime in October, you can find it on Limewire, and I assure you: IT WILL BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY. If not expand your field of knowledge. Which is awesome.

(To the tune of “We Just Got a Letter” from Blue’s Clues) I can’t wait to garden, I can’t wait to garden, I can’t wait to garden, ’cause you’re really smart!

Rah, rah, shish koom bah! My bf actually gets to go to Missouri, like he wanted to, and I’m so happy for him, and I hope he has fun. I have a difficult time with relationships. I haven’t been in a lot of them. And I’m learning that I tend to be a totally insecure mother-fxcker. Which sucks. So I’m thinking I should, you know … like, maybe change that?

My mom just told me that if I homework I “need to be doing that.” I agree. But I can’t remember if I have any homework. I have three classes that really have homework … oh shoot. AP World History. I kind of need to totally catch up ’cause I wasn’t there Thursday or Friday… I think. And then there’s English and Poli Sci. So, I’m gonna unload the dishwasher! How schmexy is that!? Text  me or something. Buh-bye.

Toaster Strudel a la Mode

March 18, 2009

Hey there . . . I had a sudden pang of inspiration last night and I had to share it with everyone. I was staring into the freezer wondering whether vanilla ice cream or apple toaster strudels would make a better bedtime snack. Then I thought, why don’t I toast a strudel, break it up, and mix it into the ice cream? So I did. And it tasted good. Great, even, I would say. So I’m here to recommend it. Also, most granola and/or cinnamony cereals taste very good mixed into vanilla ice cream as well.


That is all.

Hello, hello!

March 18, 2009

So… wow. I’ve always wanted blogging to be this easy. And now it is. I’ve always wanted to keep having things not like this … like, to write and code my own HTML. But this is so much easier. It really is. It’s just so hard to part with my domain. I need to find some way to sew them together. Anyhoo… I’m going to get posting now that it’s EASY as PIE. ❤ Love you all!